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On Breaking Our Own Boundaries
Updated: Oct 9, 2019
by Aleksandra
As space-holders, we say - ‘this space is safe’ - and we emphasise – ‘follow your truth at all times!’. We do this in our writing, in our inviting, in our initiating of the space and in all exercises, which follow. Still, inevitably, most of us will break our own boundaries every now and then, whether it's in a Temple setting or in private life.
We break our boundaries in life in general (in business, with work exchange, with money exchanges, with duties, housework etc.). However, somehow breaking boundaries becomes especially evident and edgy, when it comes to intimacy and sex!
Each time we break our own boundaries, it doesn't mean we are traumatised by the experience. When enough awareness and reflection is there, we can rather use this opportunity to get back to more personal power than before.
Recently, another facilitator asked me “how can you assure that the space you create is safe?”. I gave him some clever answers on all the steps we take to support a safe environment – and safe in this case means that everybody is taking care of themselves and taking the responsibility for their own boundaries. After some consideration, however, I said, that ultimately people will cross their own boundaries from time to time and this is OKEY! This is part of the learning curve to meet oneself and to claim step by step more and more responsibility for one’s life and therefore power in one’s life. This is a learning curve towards SOVEREIGNTY.
SOVEREIGNTY is what we wish for all of our seekers.
It is a learning process however, and just because a facilitator says - ‘rule number 1: self-responsibility for my boundaries and desires’ - it doesn’t mean we can immediately embody this truth. We will fall down again and again. We get trapped in many ways, by trying to ‘not stay out of the group’ and thus to ‘fit in’ and maybe follow a pace which is even a tiny bit too fast for us for this particular moment. Or we give in to somebody’s request. They might seem attractive, admirable or powerful and in one moment we totally forget our own center! If you imagine your center as a ball, this is the moment when you pass that ball onto the other person. Thus, not feeling your own desire, pleasure or boundaries accurately any more. Your center becomes project onto another person.
In each action, ask yourself – where is my center at this moment?
AND STILL, after staying in most present and conscious space for ourselves we can possibly imagine and after years of practice - a sway of magic can suddenly come, take us over in love, bliss and perhaps some added fantasy and in a blink of an eye we have crossed our boundaries! And that is OKEY!
It is nothing to beat ourselves for! We do want to loose control, we do desire to surrender fully, we crave for magic to unfold in front of our own eyes. As this might all be a new exploration, there will inevitably be traps (made by our own subconscious and shadow pieces), which we will inevitably fall into. That is OKEY!
Be compassionate with yourself.
Each time we break our boundaries, it is an immense opportunity to go through the pain of this experience fully and to climb back into more awareness, more power – to restore back to our SOVEREIGNTY.
After breaking your own boundaries take the necessary after-care for yourself!
Broke your boundaries? Check what is it that you need to do to come back to alignment. Perhaps there is some emotional material to go through by releasing the emotions, going through it fully, writing about it or whatever tool you use to support emotions to go through. Next, is there a conversation to be held? It might be a breakthrough to check in with the person you engaged with. First ask for some space to express and - without blaming but rather claiming your experience - share what happened for you. It might be supportive to first ask a third person to listen to you fully before going directly to the person which you crossed your boundaries with.
The four centers of our inner community
Here is yet, another tool to support us at the process of checking in with ourselves. It is the idea that we are made out of four major influencers. These are: the mind, the heart, the belly (representing emotions and primal instinct) and the genitals (sexual desire and arousal). It is quite a journey to meet them all and hear the voices of each of them separately. More than an idea, it is a practice to learn to distinguish them and to then find how they operate, what they need and how they make decisions for you.
Try it now. Read this paragraph first (and maybe voice record it for yourself in a slow pace) and then close your eyes. Tune in, take some good moments to breath deeply and observe your breath. Feel your weight where you are sitting. Continue to breath deeply. After a while, find the sense of your most focused consciousness at this moment. Let it be a singular point or a clear space in the body, in your being. Then consciously move this point or space of attention between the four centers (mind, heart, belly and genitals). Take at least 3 deep breaths to feel each of them. You can support yourself in shifting attention by moving your hands from one part of the body to the other. Feeling it fully each time. Then ask yourself a question - do I want to eat an apple now? (or any other test question you can think of). Let the answer sink in and just observe any physical sensations, thoughts, energy movements etc. Identify where each of those is coming from (mind, heart, belly or genitals). Now, consciously go again shifting your attention from one center to the other and check which of them is a ‘yes’, which is a ‘no’ and which is unsure or perhaps needs more clarity. Clarity might be needing more details e.g. how big is the apple? is it sweet or sour? is it organic? Mind that this question might not bring much reaction (unless you very hungry!). Try now a different question: “Would I want to kiss right now again a person I kissed last time?”. Go through the same process as with the apple. Watch what arises naturally from within.
Those three tools, which support us in learning our boundaries:
1) asking yourself – where is my center? (where is my ball?)
2) checking the four centers of our being for resonance on all levels
3) after-care for yourself when boundary was crossed
will only work if we do take a conscious moment to check in! This is a skill, a muscle to develop. This is where our healthy masculine aspect comes into play. The eternal presence of a meditator in the midst of life happening. The undisturbed life traveller. The center pole of our being-ness which holds strong space for the dance to happen around it.
This might all sound very new to you or perhaps you are already deeply involved with the process of reclaiming your SOVEREIGN personal power in intimacy, life and work. In both cases, the boundaries will be crossed (by ourselves! towards ourselves!) and that is OKEY. Support yourself with continuous growth in this area by practising, reflecting and processing! Join us for a workshop, Temple Night or retreat for this purpose. This is why we are here for you and for the shift of consciousness towards SOVEREIGN existence on this planet!